Let's talk toxic femininity..
I want to talk a little bit about what toxic femininity is. It's also called lower vibrational feminine, because energetically it is simply on a lower or denser feeling spectrum than higher/true femininity.
Just like understanding masculinity helps us to know more about femininity and vice versa, knowing about lower vibrational feminine can help us to understand and embody true feminine energy.
I mentioned in a previous email that what a lot of our population and society thinks of as "femininity" is actually toxic/low vibe feminine. Every person has access to masculine energy and feminine energy, and we also can choose to express either of those in a lower or higher vibrational kind of way.
So how does low vibe feminine show up?
I learned a lot about this through two main archetypes developed by one of my teachers Candice Oneida.
And those archetypes are the Maid and the Princess.
With the Maid archetype, the low vibe feminine shows up with an intense lack of self worth.
She is submissive. She looks outside of herself for direction from others. She plays small and is comfortable fading into the background. She feels unimportant and she thinks her needs and wants are unimportant compared to others. She's a doormat. She is easily hurt and easily beats herself up when someone shows her any lack of acceptance. She lives to serve everyone but herself, convincing herself that her worth really comes from others seeing value in her, but also feels full of resentment because of this.
She is almost completely shut off from her voice, her sexuality, and her body, (these 3 things are very connected!) unless she is using it to serve her partner to satisfy them. But this doesn't come from a genuine place of desire within herself. She feels like she doesn't have time for sexuality or sensuality. She's convinced herself that those things are frivolous or unnecessary or a bother. She often feels intensely envious of others who have a free flowing connection to sex and their bodies. Because of this she may secretly and obsessively fantasize about being someone who is free and wild sexually, or she may outwardly project this envy in a negative way via slut shaming women who are openly comfortable with their sexuality.
She feels powerless. She feels like a victim. She has no love to give to herself, just love and servitude for others.
This is often the low vibrational feminine energy mothers can find themselves in.
This was how I expressed my feminine energy for a long time, especially in my previous marriage.
It was an extremely painful way to live. I played small all the time. I literally never spoke up for what I wanted, I didn't even know what I wanted. I was a total doormat. I felt guilty if I wasn't putting his feelings before mine. I forced myself to have sex with my partner multiple times a week because I knew that was what he wanted even though I did not, and I would feel incredibly resentful because of it and totally disconnect from my body during and after. I even went as far as making sure to almost always give him oral sex during my period because I knew I couldn't satisfy him sexually otherwise. I made my needs and wants totally unimportant compared to his.
After years of that (about 7) it took a huge toll on my emotional and mental well being. Not to mention I had come to a point of constantly disassociating from my body as a coping mechanism in order to maintain that relationship, which further kept any feminine energy I had in disconnected Maid mode.
I grew up with a mother who expressed her feminine through the lower vibrational Princess archetype, which I'll get to in a sec, so I made sure the small part of me that was connected to feminine energy went in the total opposite direction from her, thinking that is what would make relationships work (since her and my fathers relationship very clearly did not).
The Maid archetype is where we get the idea that feminine equals submission and weakness.
So what about the other expression of the lower vibrational feminine, the Princess archetype. The Princess shows up with intense selfishness.
The Princess looks outside herself just as much as the Maid, but she expects everyone and everything outside of her to meet her needs and wants. She creates drama to accomplish this, but is never satisfied. She expects consistent external validation or to be put on a pedestal, and when she isn't she can be cruel outright or passive aggressive. Her habit of looking outside herself extends to how she is perceived by others, which she often tries to control with how she dresses and looks. She is close minded and judgmental to anything outside of her own perspective or realm of experience.
She lacks purpose, but is convinced of her outward power, usually because of her body or looks. She is more in touch with her sexuality and body than the Maid, but often uses it in a manipulative way.
While the Maid tries to be invisible, the Princess demands to be seen and heard, regardless of the tact, kindness, or value of her message.
The Princess also identifies with being a victim because everything she needs and wants is outside of her. If she doesn't get it it's because the world or someone else is against her. She finds it challenging to take responsibility for her life.
The Princess archetype is where we get the idea that feminine equals drama, manipulation, the seductress, and over identification with physical appearance.
Both the Maid and the Princess embody victimhood. They both look to others for their validation. They both lack self love and feel powerless, with it showing up as worthlessness or selfishness.
If you can see yourself in either of these lower vibrational feminine archetypes in different areas of your life know that you are not alone in that.
We don't have a lot of role models for true feminine energy and we are raised around an over abundance of masculine errything.
It took me 33 years before I even started to see any of my masculine and low vibe feminine patterns, and a few more years to really step out of most of them (I am still a work in progress!).
Learning about (true) feminine energy is the key to raising up out of lower vibrational feminine patterns and habits of being.
Understanding yourself without judgement is power.
Until next week,